Reckless Thoughts Garden

The great big stone wall: Climbing ADHD

Hey all!

Well, this is my first post about my ADHD condition, and I'll go through:

How It Impacted My Life

ADHD has always been a huge wall in front of me that I had to climb every time I faced something that didn’t please me.

I remember moments when I was playing Ragnarok Online, grinding XP, but all of a sudden, I would delete my character and sell all my items right when leveling got hard and not super fast. Or when I dropped out of my Industrial Engineering degree at a highly praised university in Brazil. Or when I was jumping in and out of new jobs at new companies every year.

In college, I always heard from my professors that I had huge potential, but I would only be able to touch it if I worked harder and studied harder.

When grinding got hard, I would quit.

Don't get me wrong. I think I've been pretty successful so far, and I'm really proud of some things I've achieved. I participated in an international NASA competition during college, and our team received an award for Best Design in the NASA HUMAN EXPLORATION ROVER CHALLENGE. I also participated in hackathons like the NASA Space Apps, where we won nationally and competed globally with our project. My career has always been in a good spot, and I've always met wonderful people at the companies I worked for.

But the great big wall I had to climb every time I was about to dig further into challenges was always there. I had some clues or ideas that ADHD was a possibility, but I never had bad grades (not the best student, though) or struggled with my job—so I would reconsider every time I thought this could be my condition.

During the first week of April 2024, I had an insanely tough workweek. It wasn’t due to the amount of work or its difficulty, but because of its nature. I didn’t find it challenging or fun, so I opened LinkedIn and started searching for jobs. Again.

This time, I wanted to do it differently. I have a great job right now (same company still), so why was I looking for a new role? Why couldn’t I tackle the things I don’t like and work on them? Why was I avoiding all of this?

I had to do a thoughtful exercise with myself to figure that out. That was when I started researching ADHD.

After some research, I decided it was time to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist and a therapist to figure myself out.

How I Discovered I Have It

I scheduled an appointment with a great psychiatrist near where I live and went crazy preparing a ton of bullet points of what I couldn’t miss or forget for this appointment. After listing everything, the doctor patiently waited and listened as we talked through some of the challenges and events I’d mentioned and how they could be related to ADHD.

This was an eye-opening moment for me. So what I had actually had a name? I could treat it?

At first, I didn’t want to go down the medication path—the idea of "depending" on something (or even someone, but that’s another story) did not please me. He suggested we could just try Ritalin, see its effects, discuss how it went, and then work based on evidence.

I said okay—reluctantly at first—but I was willing to move forward with treating it.

How I'm Treating It

As of now, I’ve completed a whole month on Ritalin, and I cannot express how much this has changed my life.

The day I took the first pill, I was anxious about how I would perceive the effects. What if it didn’t work? What if I didn’t have ADHD? What if I experienced side effects?

After 15 minutes of taking the pill, I started to "hear the silence." My mind was always racing at 200km/h, but at this moment, I felt control over it. I wasn’t singing the chorus from a song I heard last week, thinking about work, my personal life, the construction site noises from my neighbor’s house, or even if I forgot to pay the water bill. I could almost hear the echo in my mind.

It was as if I could choose what thoughts to focus on. It was magical. Right after this, I opened my Todoist app, saw what I had to do for the week, and slaughtered everything in 4 hours.

I was amazed. Is this the potential my professors in college were always mentioning?

Now, a whole month later, I can answer that question.

Yes, it is.

Work-life balance? Before the treatment, I wouldn’t even consider it—I was always a workaholic, not because I loved to work, but because I couldn’t permit myself to be comfortable with the work I had done every day. I always had to do more to compensate for what was left behind.

I don’t feel like this anymore.

I can balance my life. I can see friends on weekends. I don’t have 20 unread DMs on Instagram or WhatsApp. I’m not avoiding conversations.

All this is happening, and I’m just starting the treatment. This is insane. What other things can I accomplish now? I’m not sure, but I have a whole room in my brain reserved for those ideas, and I’m planning to work on all of them soon.

At the moment I’m writing this, I’m on the first day of using Venvanse as the next step in my treatment.

Final Thoughts

Living with ADHD has been a journey filled with ups and downs, challenges, and revelations. Recognizing and addressing it has opened new doors for me, allowing me to unlock my potential and live a more balanced life. If you’re struggling with similar issues, know that seeking help can be a transformative step.

I’m excited to see where this journey takes me and look forward to sharing more of my experiences with you all.